Useless

sad photo

Some days I feel so useless.

I want to do things so badly. I look around and I see things I want to clean up, to fix up, to improve. And I sit there and stare at it, sometimes for a half hour before I give up and realize I just CAN’T.

It’s a terrible feeling, this helplessness. To feel like there’s really nothing you can do to make things better because you just can’t DO anything. I’m sure everyone around me is sick of hearing about it, but it’s so hard! I don’t want to be like this! I want to make my apartment pretty. I want to get dressed and do my hair JUST FOR ME. I don’t want to be so damn tired anymore.

I went to the doctor a couple of months ago because of my fatigue and my suspicion that there had to be something else going on than just my depression and anxiety because in that sense I felt better, but I was just SO TIRED. Like, laying in bed, can barely move my arm to scroll on my phone, tired.

My iron tested low at about half of the lowest they like it to be. That was a relief. Validating. It’s not just all in my head. I took the prescribed iron supplements for a month and my levels didn’t budge. So I just finished taking them twice a day for a month (plus supplementing with vitamin C to help with absorption). If I can just manage to call and ask for another blood test to see if that did anything it’ll be a miracle. I’m not super hopeful.

I leave for Canada in 12 days and I’m equal parts excited and terrified. For the most part, I’m not surprised, I always feel like this before a trip. Last year’s trip to Canada was the first vacation since I was a kid that I didn’t have a meltdown or major panic attack AT ALL. I’m hoping it’s all the prep and my being the one who planned the trip that did it, which would mean I’ll be okay this time.

I know I’ll be fine. Even if I do melt down, I’m with two people who totally understand and won’t get upset at me. One of them has her own anxiety problems (which might benefit me, as I get calmer if someone else is freaking out, lol) and the other is my friend Erin, who is the chillest person on the planet. She won’t bat an eyelash if I ask to go back to our airbnb and be alone or freak out and need to leave somewhere immediately. I don’t have a lot of friends, but I definitely lucked out to have a few that don’t judge or resent me because of my mental illness.

Writing this all out already has me feeling a little better. No more tears and I’m shaking a lot less (I’m pretty much always shaking, thanks to my anxiety disorders). I’m going to try and hang some clothes up to make it easier for packing (!) and then curl up and read.

Thanks for listening/reading. I hope everyone else is having a better day than I am. If you’re not, hug your pet and be kind to yourself. You’re not alone.

(And on top of everything, I put off dyeing my hair too long and found my first gray hair. I didn’t expect that to bother me so much but I was much happier not knowing. (Hair dye + being a natural blonde has left me blissfully ignorant until now) )

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